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Posted on 2007.12.22 at 01:51
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Today was a pretty decent day. I got my CLEP official study guide in the mail, my parents bought me Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk, took my little bro to Chuck E. Cheese's, saw some friends, ate some yummy rolls at Golden Corral, and watched a couple movies with my parents.

Leisure is grand!

We watched Nanny Diaries, which was interesting. It was kind of different in the way the story was told, probably to reflect the novel's style maybe? I can't be sure though, since I haven't read the book. Then we watched Stardust, a second viewing for me. I read the book before I saw the movie and was pretty disappointed at the book. Not a lot of characterization or development. It made it boring for me. I thought the movie did a way better job at making the characters feel real and important to me. Sorry Neil Gaiman, but you were a pretty big letdown. Maybe I'll give you a second go and read Good Omens or some other book of yours.

I also watched this creepy movie called Perfume, also based on a book. (Are there any movies that are just movies anymore?) It's about this man who's strongest sense was his sense of smell. It becomes the primary way in which he 'views' the world. Eventually he becomes obsessed with preserving scents, particularly those of beautiful women. He then begins murdering women to preserve their scent, and I almost sympathize with him because it seems like he just doesn't understand how to be a human. He has no sense of connection to anyone else. It sounds morbid, but you'd have to watch it to understand what I mean. Or maybe I am just morbid. One thing I was kind of on the fence about was the heavy narration in the movie. I've never really liked too much narration in anything, and there was a lot of it in this movie. I guess it was necessary because Jean-Baptiste (the muderer/perfume guy) never really spoke. He was pretty mono-syllabic the majority of the time. The most you got out of him was a lot of sniffing nose action and intense stares. It just made the movie feel like a tale from the Brother's Grimm. It kind of fit. The ending was odd and surreal, but that was pretty appropriate as well.

Anyway, I'm gonna go bike riding tomorrow morning when I wake. Go home, shower. Study some CLEP business, maybe read or jump on the trampoline with my little brother. Around 9:30 I'm going over to Zac's. He's gonna take to Odd's to see a drag show. Wowzas. I told my parents, and they weren't too excited. That was more because it's on the east side, the 'dangerous' part of town. I'm pumped! Yeahhhhh!


Posted on 2007.03.24 at 18:32
So I'm completely and utterly exhausted. I don't really know why, but it's probably because I worked 8-4 today. I've nothing better to do, at least not now. Tooooo tired. I just want to watch That 70's Show and Friends. Over and over again.

I have to work on Opus because the laptop crashed. Ughhhhhhh. The evening ahead does not look bright. And right now, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE feels so far away. I don't think I'm ever going to get to the place I want to be.

But in all honesty, it's probably just the fatigue.

I miss you, but I love you more.


I AM THE PIXIE QUEEN. (ask later)

Posted on 2007.03.20 at 17:36
The Green Project

The music was a murmur of sand;
It filled every crevice of my body
‘til it realigned the rhythm of my system
to the melody, the drumbeat, the thud of
a lumberjack’s shoes on the open floor.
He was a man, unabashed,
in a striped shirt with dreadlocks,
His combat boots laced up and
Thundering down to keep
His blood pumping in time,
In unison to the plans for the future,
Accenting reminders of past mistakes.

Every strike of his heel on the floor
Was a call for revolution,
For stronger hearts, for faster tempos.
Conviction for a cause, he stamped in code.
He became a race horse at the gate,
Hooves kicking up dirt, searching for escape,
Sick of running for other people’s reasons,
Away from his own destinations.
I could tell he was a soldier for solidarity.
Such comes only through exploration,
transcendence to self-expression,
somehow leaving us behind.

All the while I tapped my foot,
A portrait of potential.

I love you. :)


I loooove journalism.

Posted on 2007.02.06 at 18:38
Current Mood: chipperchipper
So I'm writing this column for the next issue of my school's paper and it's going to be about long distance relationships, specifically mine. Hah. It's weird. It's not like I don't know what to say. I have an endless of experiences and thoughts and emotion to share, but it's so hard to find the accurate way to say it.

I don't want to sound like a silly, love stricken, mushy girl because then anything I have to say will be ignored and I'll be labeled as someone insubstantial and unrealistic. I also don't want to be too spare in my writing because I don't want anyone to think my relationship is a piece of unfeeling industrial machinery either.

I find that writing something personal is the hardest thing anyone can ever do. Communicating exactly what you feel to someone entirely different from you, is amazingly hard. I want to do it though, and even if I have to go through a dozen failed attempts and edits, I'll do it!

I both love and despise column writing.

The process is frustrating, but the end result is...delightful. :p

I love you. Yes I dooo.


My eyes hurt.

Posted on 2007.01.10 at 22:05
So many tiny things have been accumulating recently. A snatch of conversation got caught in my ears about Obama just before I went to government class. Something about his middle name being Hussein. And surprise, surprise, he happened to one of the topics that were discussed. Apparently the fact or that he is Muslim or he is associated with that faith is a negativity in the eyes of the public. I could only sigh, roll my eyes, and restrain my desire to break my desk in half with my forehead.

I have no particular support of Obama nor any other candidate right now, that's not the reason a feeling of agitation was creeping up my spine. It was the culmination of everything. The fact that friends of mine have been criticized for being homosexual. A girl who does or is addicted to cocaine is ridiculed and called a crack-head behind her back, and that is of more interest than the fact that she has gone missing. And the certain people who apparently had their hearts surgically removed could only laugh and say they didn't care about another human being.

As a Christian, as anyone who believes in a higher power, as a compassionate human being our only job is to love one another as we are. Even if every person we meet is a living mistake housed in the confines of a mortal body. We aren't to judge people by their difference compared to us and what we have been taught to accept. And it is not our place to force them to change with laws, warfare, or the cruelty of words and disparagement. It's a lose-lose situation, because even if we 'succeed' at supressing a tendency or an action, their heart will be somewhere else and even harder to reach than before. But tolerance will lead to understanding, respect, and love.

After reading Civil Disobedience, the line "There are 999 patrons of virtue for every one virtuous man" has been ringing in my mind since I first laid my eyes upon it. We converse so much about right and wrong, and yet when the opportunity to turn our words into proof of our conviction, we fail ourselves and the ideals we have established.

I want to be virtuous, not just one that speaks of virtue and nods in praise of those brave enough to pursue it. I don't want to have sympathy for my dying world and no courage dive deep into the dark to bring it back to life. Sympathy does nothing but look on sadly and resign itself to brutal fate. Anyone can feel sympathy, but only the compassionate have action to accompany emotion. That is what makes our capacity to feel so important, the fact that we have the ability and the opportunity act upon it.

Did this make sense? I do not know, but I don't think I could have slept if I didn't put this here.

Happy year and ten months, Darling. :)

I love you more than I could ever express.


Dreams to sleep to

Posted on 2007.01.02 at 20:19
Current Mood: pensivepensive
I didn't realize how exhausted I really was until I fell asleep. Now that I'm awake, all I want to do is sleep, but cleaning must be done, the gathering of school materials. *sigh*

I'm remembering pieces of my dreams lately. They've been nothing ominous nor outstanding. Dreams have been said to be many things, the random collection of stray thoughts that mounted during the day, worries, fears, and hopes sealed beneath the layers of the subconscious, maybe a prediction of future events. I think it would be interesting to view them as a window glimpsing yourself in a parallel world where you have a different life, maybe even in a different land. That would be interesting to me.

I love to dream, night or day, but the love to live must take precedence. I know that.

I love you; you make me feel alive. :)


Yayyy, poem.

Posted on 2006.12.21 at 21:24
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
If we’ve sealed our lives
In the confines of a
Crafted frame, I apologize
For a world too tame,
Too small for air
To freshen the time that
occupies each lonely grain


All the unbroken laws that
Cement our feet; they anchor us
Down to separate streets.
And I’m sorry, we’re crying
Hands are wrought, defying,
And wishing they were
Where they ought to be,


We can survive,
Finally droplets of joy will glaze
At our eyes, replace
Empty, glass hollowed days
And plant buds that will
Repair and overtake
Even the smallest of our mistakes.

I love you. :)

Posted on 2006.12.01 at 08:07
No school until 9:50! HUZZAH! I'm really hoping that isn't enough time for an economics test. I'm praying actually, but studying at the same time. It snowed yesterday, and everything looks so beautiful. I love it! I even played in it yesterday with my sister and dad and somehow our little neighbor kid got involved too, haha. I love that soft, grounded powder, flushed cheeks, and that short of breath feeling you have after you've been laughing and running at the same time. I want it to snow again and again and again. I always knew that having FOUR seasons was way better than three. :)

I'm also hoping that they'll cancel school altogether, but they probably won't. Boooo. Oh well. My birthday party is today. Fun time, I hope.

I have a chocolate, chocolate cake with purple icing. Haha, I don't know why they think I love purple so much. It's always an accident that it happens.

I love you!


Posted on 2006.11.29 at 20:38
I feeeeel. I feel like updating, and I am currently pursuing that urge.

Well, we had our field trip today. It was pretty fun, but I felt kind of isolated for some of it. I don't know. We were pretty much segregated was what it felt like, class by class. And then we dispersed. I really didn't feel like following anyone. I just wanted to go my own way, so me and Steph just did our thing. There was a lot of beautiful pieces. You can't drink it all in during the period of one hour really. But what I did see was very satisfying. I was, however, disappointed a smidge by the Van Gogh exibit. There was just a lot of wheat, a lot more than I expected.

When we got back and I was making that long journey back to my car, I could feel my fingers and my toes numbing, the wind chilling every exposed area of my skin. I couldn't make myself warm, and I was just a little lonely I guess. The cold wasn't helping.

I want to talk to someone about something, or listen to someone about something. It can be nonesense or gibberish, it can be anything. I have this need for conversation that is rarely fulfilled and I think that is what makes me so lonely sometimes.

As of right now, I just want to cancel my birthday because I'm kind of afraid it will be disappointing and a flop. A major flop, which happens quite often to me. This is probably just a passing whim, and I can't call it off anyway. So whatever.

I'm going to do my homework now. Farewell.


The last SAT of my LIFE.

Posted on 2006.11.05 at 10:25
So I took my last SAT yesterday. I thought I was doing pretty well until I realized that I was bubbling in section nine on the answer sheet when I was supposed to be bubbling in section eight. So, I fixed that, but thirty five questions in section seven were left blank because I couldn't go back to it. I was pretty distraught but at the same time I just sort of shrugged it off. It's not all that dire I suppose, just another test which fails to measure actual potential. And anyway, I've been accepted to college. I'm hoping that thought won't lead into a lifestyle of slacking for my other classes. Maybe Calculus or economics, but nothing else.

I want to write write write some things but I've no time before I have to go to work. I guess I'll write later.

I love you!


First poem in what seems like decades.

Posted on 2006.09.30 at 10:26
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Burning Bridges -Against Me!
Bones rattle inside skin,
inside layers paper thin.
Full-moon white
and wet with sweat,
your face reflects
years you regret:
liquid mirrors on the street, 
the stillness of your able feet.
Your mind's reluctance
to comprehend
closed doors opened by a friend.

I love you!


Posted on 2006.09.14 at 22:40
Current Music: Malaga?!
Life is good lately.  Oh so good.  :)

I love you!


Posted on 2006.09.02 at 21:32
Ugh, wet shorts.  Wet car.  

I've got a funeral to go to Wednesday.  :(

It's strange because in my mind I see her there, telling me about radio rock bands I despise, playing with the tiniest children in the gameroom, sitting in the Chuck E. room getting dressed while I text her bandmate to bring her a frappe from starbucks.  It's like she's not even dead.  Sometimes it feels like she quit work or she's home or at school.  I'll forget the truth at times.

Really it feels like she's just vanished.  I kind of envy those who can just walk off the face of the earth.  They have it a lot easier than those who have to deal with their absence.

Truthfully, I got mad at her sometimes, but that feeling never lasted.  Now I just miss her like hell, and I was just a part of a tiny piece of her life.

Bye Serena.

Posted on 2006.08.29 at 16:06

I'm excited about this week.  Eeeeeee.

The football game in Abilene will be fun, not the actual sweating and marching and sitting in the stands for three hours, but everything else will be.  Long bus rides are good times to get to know people, and I'm going to bring lots of music.  Yippeeeee.  

Tonight is my first art studio night of the year.  I love it, and I'm wayyyyyyy excited.  I can't wait to get into the darkroom and start printing my letters.  I hope it looks beautiful!  

I realized today that second semester is probably going to be way more awesome than first sememster.  Reasons include, NO ECONOMICS, no speech with idiotic delinquents, an extra period for Newspaper, I get to start Opus, no more college applications, and no more marching band to tire me out before the rest of my school day even starts.  I cannot wait.

I'm thinking the newspaper is going to be amazing.  I hope.  Mrs.Lee critiqued my stories and helped me a little and now they're a lot better.  I'm pretty pumped, haha.  :)  Most of the new staffers seem to be catching on fast as well.  Deadline should go well.  I hope we're going to do ad dumps because that will make things muchhhh easier.

David always just puts me in a good mood.  I can't wait for Thanksgiving, huzzah!  We're going to conquer that dirt mound.

And, I think that slowly, anger and frustration will build up until one day I just erupt.  I think that's the only way I can break my barrier of being quiet when I should be saying what I think.  Then I can be a real socialist.  Haha.  :)

I love youuu.


Posted on 2006.08.25 at 22:09
I feel like writing something deeeep and metaphorical but my mind draws a blank.  So instead I rant, but not about the usual. 

Alas, I'm just not in the mood to complain about trivial things like school and work and college.  I'd rather talk about how I love that period of time just before night comes where you can see the stars and moon, but the sun is still casting those odd shades of color across the sky and tinting the clouds.  Either that or misquito bites.  The former is preferred I guess.  

I think I'd rather go to school than work, alas I pretty much have to do both this weekend and I hope my stories come out well.  I feel so overshadowed by Brittany and everyone else.  I just don't want it to suck, I'm supposed to be an editor, but sometimes I feel just as lost as last year.

The carnival's in town and I want to go, and (surprise, surprise)  I'm actually looking forward to the first football game for a few different reasons:
1.  As David said it will be one football game closer to the last one I will ever have to perform in for the rest of my life.
2.  Maybe I'll have fun and make new friends or better friendships with old ones.
3.  No work, HUZZAH.

My room's a mess and so am I.  Whatev.a.  

I love you!


Posted on 2006.08.19 at 23:52
I'm pretty much exhausted and I think I nearly fell asleep on the drive home.



The Last First Day of High School.

Posted on 2006.08.14 at 16:44
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Us -Regina Spektor
So yeah.  I had schoooool today.  

Everything was good except for maybe speech class.  Seventeen rowdy boys and three girls including myself.  It doesn't help that half the people in there had no idea what an adjective.  Ugh.  I can't believe that speech is mandatory.  Whatev.  

Pearson is just as 'punny' as last year.  My calculus teacher is a very nice lady, a subtly funny woman who doesn't try to hard.  She's likeable and she seems like a really great teacher.  Maybe I can pull an A this year.  Mrs.Curlin is great.  I love that symbol bag assignment that's due Friday.  I like the fact that she's going to make us think.  I like thinking.  And we're doing poetry analysis soooon!!  YAY!  :)

Newspaper is going to be awkward I think possibly.  I don't feel like getting into it.

Photography is just as grand as ever.  We've got a lot of new people (some of them are quite neat) and my favorite old people are back for the most part.  It feels like I never left.  

So this is my last year of high school.  Part of me screams out "FINALLY."  The other part just gently smiles.  As much as I'm sure parts of this year will suck horribly and be terribly stressful, I hope so much that there will be enjoyable parts.  There's no senior trip or privileges but I guess I've got my own.  This year will definitely be a trip in itself and I'm privileged enough to have the love of a wonderful boy, a supportive though sometimes irritable family, and friends close and not so much that can make the day a little brighter while they pass on by.  I'm even more eager to see what experiences college will have in store for me and us.  For everyone.

I wonder if I'll be sad when this year is over.  It'll be complicated to define I'm sure.  There's no such thing as a one dimensional explanation for things like these.

I love you!


Posted on 2006.08.13 at 10:16

Wow I'm tired.

And school is tomorrow.  (eeeep!)

Anyway, I have to go work for seven hours.  So I think I may return later for an actual update of life.


I love you!



Posted on 2006.08.06 at 22:38

I love you!

I hate Texas!!


Lazy Bum.

Posted on 2006.07.26 at 00:38
I took a two hour nap today at six o'clock at night.  Ridiculous I know.

I went over to Tisdale's house and we played videogames like nerds, but it was fun.  Kingdom Hearts is neat and now I actually want to make time to play.  Amazinggg!  I might stay up tonight and play but I think that might be a little too dorky.  I'll probably just finish watching Mothman Prophecies on TBS and going to sleep.  

After watching Seinfeld and Friends with David over the phone, we both realized that I am very easily influenced by commercials.  It's a good thing I plan on not having cable because I'd be craving Taco Bell and ice cream sundaes all the time.  That wouldn't be good because apparently Danny can't imagine me with an extra freshman fifteen.  By golly, I won't have any of that.  Boca burgers all the way.  They really aren't that bad.  So Huzzah!!

I'm tired.  Nighty night.

I love you.


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